I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
3pm strippers are depressing
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize