tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
