break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
