Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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