Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Randomize
