what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize