All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
