I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's never too late to be topless.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
