He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
