We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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