My girlfriend figured out who you are.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
