the day after is always just damage control
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
