I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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