Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
