he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I showed him my bush... on skype.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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