god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
