I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
