Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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