how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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