Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize