I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
