I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
