oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
