Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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