just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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