NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
