that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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