I think my fart just growled at me.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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