I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
