just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
