Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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