I wish I could teleport
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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