And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
