I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
