Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
