New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
