I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize