Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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