My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
