She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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