Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
