Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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