you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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