Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
