My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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