Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
there is glitter all over my balls
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