I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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