you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
