I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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