she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
