When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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