Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
