you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
