Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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