I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
