does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize