Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
