hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
