Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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